letters to zebediah dean

funny faces!

2011-07-13T15:33:00.000-05:00

you've started doing this thing now, when you see me get my phone out to photograph you, you get real excited and say, "FUNNY FACES!!"

and then this magic happens:

and laughter does abound.
i kind of love you.

intentional.

2011-07-10T19:56:00.000-05:00

you'll be three this month.
you've grown and developed so, so much.

you observe and learn so much every single day.
it's amazing how much you can teach another human being.

you've started doing everything so deliberately.

you say please and thank you without prompting.

you walk up to me and smash my cheeks and exclaim you love me.

and my personal favorite.
everything you draw is of something
of a person or an animal or "a something." (direct quote.)

you are remarkable.

a man in your life.

2011-07-09T13:36:00.000-05:00

nothing has ever made me so careful as you have. i love you with every ounce of me, and so every decision carries much more weight.

and this one's already a big one.

i guess before we dive in, i want you to know some things.

i'd never marry anyone who didn't utterly adore you.
i love you as much as ever and more every day.

things will always change.
and i'll always be here when they do.
with all the love i possess.

poop?

2010-07-06T15:52:00.008-05:00

being as this is the month you will turn two, i figured we should bust out the potty seat and see how you do. you've had a seat that goes on the toilet, and have been pooping on it for a year, but pee, that's been better left for diapers.

this, like any other, has proved to be just one more occasion for you to blow my mind.

you're all but potty trained. you peed and pooped on the thing so many times today i lost count. monumental progress in a few short days. you even come to me afterward to announce, "poop?" said even if you only tinkled, and always in the form of a question. you even sat on the thing to fart. (i almost died.)

you are adorable. hilarious. and brilliant. i marvel at you, soaking it all in. absorbing. developing. adapting.

it's fascinating the things we applaud children for. the everyday things an adult can do, things we would find otherwise unimpressive and generally uninteresting, in the hands of children, become remarkable. because two years ago, you were a growing fetus still inside me, and now you're a multi-functional human being. remarkable, indeed.

baby versus boy.

2010-06-25T19:37:00.025-05:00

time is a busy little concept. it somehow grows you up, grows me up, teaches us both, and still manages to prove to me that this is all actually happening.

you are growing.

we spent yet another handful of hours at monroe carroll children's hospital, this time because you crashed into a windowsill and refused to stop bleeding.

this proved (to me) something significant:
you are really, really growing up.

children develop at an alarming rate.
you're certainly no exception. also:

you're so. strong.
i guess i've known this, watching you grow up with your heart condition. but every scrape, every fall, every head butt and crash landing and cut make it more and more apparent. you bled for hours, and you carried on as though this day were like any other. this is not the strength of a baby. this is the strength of a little, tiny, amazing boy.

infants are to mirrors as toddlers are to photo booth.

2010-06-24T15:12:00.020-05:00

this month, i have made either a grave mistake or a beautiful discovery. my introduction of photo booth has yielded quite the elated toddler. sometimes you just stare, and no matter how wildly i attempt to make you shift or move or smile or blink, i get nothing. just a blank face of (perhaps) inward fascination. sometimes i can barely contain the flailing, laughing, bouncing baby in my arms.

my favorite thing about toddlers is the constant look of discovery in their eyes.
i love to see you learn.

even the simplest things. simple being, in this case, the tugging on my heartstrings when the program shuts down and you ask, in the perfect blend of sadness and pleading, "more?"

"more?"
"more?"

and sometimes i give in, and i take a billion ridiculous pictures with you. because you're adorable. and these are the moments my twenty-years-from-now self will be reminiscing.

yay!

2010-06-23T20:33:00.002-05:00

you're so hilarious in your expressions. it's one of the many amazing things about toddlers. i cannot help but smile when you're jumping around, exclaiming, "yay! yay! yay!"

the way you say it is as though you're declaring to all the world that jumping is worth shouting about, as many times as is humanly possible, every second. and you do so very convincingly. your joy is contagious.

really, everything you do makes me proud. ♡

bedtime stories.

2010-06-21T17:04:00.016-05:00

for nearly two years now, i've laid you to bed whispering, "i love you." telling you stories. telling you that you're meant for amazing things. reading you classics. and not-so-classics.

we got into a rhythm, and then you, in your delightfully explorative toddler nature, interrupted that rhythm with something more beautiful.

now, night after night, you instead regale me with tales of your day. you move your tiny hands all over the place, gesturing wildly and babbling most adorably.

it warms a tired mother's heart.
you are my joy.

character.

2010-06-10T19:00:00.009-05:00

you've become so independent. so strong. and your character is developing so rapidly. a year ago, you could hardly take a step without stumbling sideways. now you awake singing, you tell animated stories (especially in the morning) and you have preferences. in everything.

i love hearing joy in the form of giggles.
seeing innocence traipsing through the grass.
feeling love in a tiny arm's embrace.

some days, i find it hard to believe that i made you. in my body. and now you're a multi-functional human being. i'm just a small part of something so much bigger than myself. something so, so beautiful.

terrible two's.

2010-06-03T14:20:00.000-05:00

i've never much understood what was so terrible about the two's. now that you're a month out, i can all but officially voice my opposition to this dreadful label.

you're exhausting, yes. but you are blossoming into your own, completely unique and independent person. you hardly need me for a thing. this is heartbreakingly beautiful.

i won't pretend it doesn't suck that you don't need me as much. every mother treasures those sacred moments when she is all you need. but in those moments' ending, something far more beautiful is birthed. want.

sure, you don't need me anymore.

but you've begun to want me.

you want to crawl into my lap to snuggle. (even if it is less occasional.)
you want to give me kisses. (even awaken me with them.)
you want to spend time together.
you want to play together.
you want to learn things together.
to explore the world together.
to share it all.

all the high-pithed squeals and exploration of boundaries and tantrums fade into the background as i marvel at the wondrous creature coming into his own, before my very eyes. watching you grow is as sacred as when i nurtured you, needing only me. and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

amazing things.

2010-05-06T22:23:00.002-05:00

i make sure to whisper into your ear, every single day, that:

you were meant for amazing things.

(thanks for the inspiration, sleeping at last.)

sauce.

2010-05-06T16:43:00.001-05:00

what is it about sauce that inevitably avoids soaking into noodles? too much like our minds (in more ways than one.) an outpouring of much, so little absorbed.

is the more sensible option to withhold?

i've always used more sauce than any noodle can handle. and i've always talked far more than you could ever understand. on both accounts, i am an in excess.

i pour out far more than is absorbed. i explain things in greater detail than a 21-month-old could ever understand. i talk to you. i tell you any and everything. because i know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that you hear me. the way you can feel the music even if the words are foreign. and it's beautiful to share.

imagine.

2010-04-12T19:26:00.000-05:00

tonight, you came up to me and held up your toy mug in your tiny baby hands. and, when i waited for you to request, "wawa?" (water,) you pleasantly surprised me by tipping your cup to my mouth, and sharing your imaginary drink with me.

it is amazing to see you imagining.

a year ago you couldn't even walk, or crawl. now you're not only ever-more present in everyday life, you're even exploring the limits of your own imagination. so amazing to witness.

the other side of the door.

2010-04-05T15:11:00.008-05:00

when asked today if you wanted to say hi to mommy, you did (as any toddler would do) something rather unexpected. instead of going for the phone, where your babysitter calls and texts me, you waved at the door i left through, and yelled, "hiii!!"

i suppose that's all you know, that i'm on the other side of the door. and that i'm coming back. and it warmed my little heart when i heard the story. you are some kind of wonderful.

just the two of us.

2010-03-26T08:06:00.005-05:00

things are generally far more difficult by yourself. ie: me raising you. we inevitably face opposition and strife that we may never otherwise have known if you had a dad. worth it? absolutely.

i may not waste my energy on people who have already judged me, i may not be the perfect mom to you. you may not "have" as much as you'd have otherwise have had.

but you certainly have everything you need, and then some. and i will love and adore and care for you to the best of my perfectly flawed ability. you can count on that. always.

holding hands.

2010-02-17T05:46:00.011-06:00

sometime in the last week, you decided you liked holding hands. i've always reached my hand back while i drive, wanting a tiny baby hand in my hand, reminding me what i live for. when you were younger, this was just a reminder that i wasn't holding you and brought tears to your eyes.

now, you light up.

and my heart warms. you reach out and grip my hand with your tiny fingers and smile with so much love. you have got to be the most amazing human being on the planet.

promises.

2010-01-12T13:45:00.000-06:00

you're nearly one and a half and you've already given me so much. you've taught me to love and be patient like i'd never have dreamed. there are times that i feel like what i have to give in return is feeble. then i met fran. she reminded me of the value of the things i can promise.

i can promise you three meals a day. come hell or high water, i will fight to see you fed. i will go hungry before you sleep on an empty stomach.

i can promise you a roof over your head. i'd go anywere, i'd sacrifice anything to keep you in a safe place. somewhere you can lay your head down and breathe out your troubles, knowing at least that you are home.

and i can promise you love. all the love that i possess is yours. you taught me how to use it in the first place. come what may, you will always be mine, and i will always be here.

you make me better.

2009-12-19T16:56:00.003-06:00

i's always been said you can never be ready for children. and that they change you in ways you never dreamed or could've imagined. that doesn't take away from the awe of watching it happen.

it's in the tiniest of things. i find myself more forgiving, far more overwhemled with love, and enjoying things at least twice as much as before you existed. i remember a girl who was far more cynical, selfish, impatient and flawed. but she's becoming a distant memory, replaced by an inevitable joy.

xoxo.

2009-11-11T16:55:00.004-06:00

you have beyond mastered the art of affection. not terribly surprising, considering your history of awakening me with kisses. still, you continue to advance.

now you answer.

i can say, 'give mommy kisses' or 'give mommy hugs' and you excitedly rush over with arms outstretched and mouth open-wide with excitement.

you are full of love, and you teach me how. more every day.

baby-fide.

2009-11-05T10:07:00.003-06:00

i love coming across things you have baby-fide. one of my contacts is now 'amber megannn Ug.' i am forever finding canned goods in my purse. diapers in the toybox. and there are curious things i empty from your pockets when the day is done. humorous, and ridiculously adorable.

you've a wondrous imagination,
and i hope it never fades.

a song in his heart.

2009-10-26T14:22:00.004-05:00

what joy, to awake with a song in your heart. parenting has never been said to be mundane, and rightly so. if, for a second, things start to feel 'everyday,' you surprise me with something new and beautiful. as you've gotten older, you've begun to just crawl out of bed after naps and come find me like a little boy.

today you sang.

it's so easy to forget the wonderful things you used to do when you start doing a new wonderful thing. you've inspired and awed me through all stages of your development. it was wonderful this afternoon to be reminded of how happy a baby you are. via song.

is not a kiss the very autograph of love?

2009-09-22T00:06:00.003-05:00

what better way to awake than to a smattering of baby kisses?

you're barely one, and you already have such a big heart. you always climb on my head and get your face as close to mine to wake me up. you didn't even drown me in slobber this morning, just gentle little kisses until i came to, and then a smile, and then a million more gentle kisses until my heart melted.

and then slobber. :)
still, quite sentimental.
(title quote by henry finck)

everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

2009-09-14T18:26:00.007-05:00

today you made the transition from can walk to does walk.

everywhere you go. the length of the house, over the bumps, down (very) small steps. out with crawling. you get up and follow me everywhere i go. it's really cute until i'm going back and forth in the room and you're struggling to keep up, and then it's still very cute, but also adorably sad.

i have that indescribable feeling, kind of like my heart is so full of joy i can feel it al the way in my stomach, but words do it no justice. it is a beautiful thing to watch you grow.

title quote by steven wright

blurry.

2009-09-13T14:28:00.003-05:00

as time has passed, i've noticed the number of mobile uploads decrease. that's how it goes, isn't it? parents are supposed to get less fascinated with their babies as they grow. the euphoric feeling of a newborn fades and we point the camera less and chase you more while our hair turns grey.

being here proves these theories foolish.

because as you grow into a more beautiful and complex human being, you also grow into a faster human being, leaving my incapable lens nothing more than a blur. the treasures, even if they can't be captured in a still, are still very present.

let there be no question that my love for you runs deeper every day.
that you do more and more things i wish i could bottle forever.

that there is not an ounce less interest, but countless memories that i'll hold onto as long as my frail mind allows.

the life soundtrack of baby.

2009-09-10T11:42:00.002-05:00

babies are notorious for sounds, both the interesting ones they make and the ridiculous ones people make at them. this has proven to be humorous, and so for some time, i have been documenting those things it has been said you sound like. the list has flourished, and now must be posted for the world to share in the joy of.

you have either intentionally or unintentionally sounded like the following on one or several occasions:

a puppy.
a bird.
shoes squeaking on a gym floor.
a pterydactel.
a gremlin.
a cow.
a seagull.
a rusty swingset.
a chihuahua.
a cat.
a parrot.
donald duck.
the whistling of a teapot.

i was thinking how nothing lasts, and what a shame that is.

2009-08-24T07:29:00.003-05:00

no mater how well documented, these sacred moments with you cannot be captured. cannot be frozen in time. i've already begun answering questions with a confused, 'i don't know' or 'i honestly can't remember.'

all the pictures + videos + tweets + blogs in the world can't recreate the awe and wonder i felt those first few days you were alive, or the depths my love has grown to since.

or how overjoyed i was when you first laughed.
or how worried over your first hospitalization.

i can close my eyes and imagine, but i can't feel you in my arms if you're not really there.

still, even these fragmented recollections that live on when i revisit these memories via endless multimedia are far more beautiful than any pieces of my life before you, and i treasure watching this love grow as you grow.

2009-07-31T21:53:00.002-05:00

facebook.com/zebediahdean(artist)

all the small things.

2009-07-31T20:54:00.005-05:00

it was the end of may before i had my first appointment with my midwife, six months along. we were having that, i don't want to know the gender, but i think it's a boy, do i want to circumcise, do i go through counseling again, do i want drugs, etc. conversation when i noticed she was suddenly no longer listening to anything i was saying. now i know i am long-winded, but having a midwife inspecting your baby suddenly grow tense and start grabbing every doppler in the room to listen to your abdomen is not a comforting scenario. then she asks me if i know where vanderbilt emergency room is, and do i feel alright to drive? because she can call an ambulance for me, but it would be faster if i drove. do i need directions?

what??

and she gives me the two-second rundown of my baby's heart rate is in the 60's, when it should be in the 120-160's, signifying that he is in distress, all while she draws me a map because i must have said i was alright to drive. and off i go, with no idea really what is going on, just instructions to ask for this specific woman as soon as i get to the ER, not to park my car, to check it in valet because that's faster, and to get there as quickly as i can, but to be safe.

i spent that entire maybe ten-minute ride bawling on the phone to my friend shar, more scared than i'd ever been in my life.

when i got to the ER, the staff was fabulous about getting me upstairs and checked out in a timely manner. i had (literally, i counted) 17 people crowded in a hospital room asking me questions i never knew could exist in a medical journal. an anesthesiologist was shoving papers in my face and my junk was spread out in front of way too many members of the opposite sex while i tried my best to remain calm.

and then you kicked.
and everything stopped.

and the chaos came again as quickly as it had gone. it was now, tell surgery prep we don't need the room, get the supervising doctor in here, get ultrasound after ultrasound and find out how this baby is not in distress even though his heart is beating at a rate half of normal.

things mellowed out over the hours, but it was still a, 'make sure your baby kicks every 30-45 minutes', 'you understand there is a moderate risk of infant death, if anything feels out of the ordinary, come straight to the ER,' 'can i get you anything else?' for the remainder of my pregnancy.

you were soon diagnosed with third degree heart block, which landed us 3-5 appointments week for the remainder of my pregnancy, your first few days spent in ICU, and the nicest pediatric cardiologist a fetus / mom / kid could ever ask for.

for months, i've said that i was so grateful that you were such a ninja in utero. you saved yourself from an emergency caesarean. from more complications than you've already got. and perhaps even your own life.

but then today, out of nowhere, new details came flying out of the wood works smacking me right in the face. it is so. much. more than that.

if i had stayed in philadelphia, the leaving of which has been my greatest regret, and received prenatal care there, instead of running home to my mom because i knew 'something was wrong,' i'd have never carried you to term.

if my mom had not been having a hard time with her then husband, if they had never gotten married in the first place, if my parents had never gotten divorced, and if i had ever been taken out of town to the doctor or been able to borrow a car to get there and receive prenatal care, i'd have never carried you to term.

if my boyfriend and i had not broken up a couple months into my pregnancy, preventing me from going from philadelphia to nashville to be happy in love forever and i had received prenatal care, i'd have never carried you to term.

if i had stayed in oklahoma city when i found out i was pregnant instead of following through on my move to philadelphia (a miserably failed attempt at going to college) and received prenatal care, i'd have never carried you to term.

never.
but none of those things happened.
none.

instead, you were born in late july, a mere 4 weeks early, at a strong 5 1/2 lbs, and perfectly alright.

perfectly. alright.

thanks are in order. thank you, casey, for calling to tell me you had found someone else. thank you, mom, for being so wonderful that i didn't want to go through a pregnancy that felt so frail without you. thank you, mom and fred for suffering through marital un-bliss in such perfect timing that you saved my son. thank you, geo, for not running properly while i drove you so that i never made it to a doctor. thank you, shar for encouraging me to chase after my dreams in light of devastatingly hard pregnancy symptoms that did end up keeping me out of school, but now knowingly not because i was afraid to pursue it. thank you, oklahoma city, for making me the most miserable human being when i live in your city limits. i do love you still. thank you, bess, for being the most brilliant but still cautious and perfectly timed midwife in the world. thank you, vanderbilt, for knowing exactly what you are doing, i have never trusted medical professionals so completely. thank you, god, for hope and for all these tiny miracles. and thank you, zebediah dean, for being an overactive fetus and the strongest little boy i have ever, ever known.

2009-07-28T14:25:00.009-05:00

you duct taped my heart back together. {/freezepop}

2009-07-27T14:27:00.001-05:00

as you grow up and the earlier memories begin to fade, all that matters is you're still my baby.

awe-inspiring.

2009-07-12T06:02:00.000-05:00

sometimes it is in a simple glance over at your curly head full of hair as you dream that i see you as a baby again. pure. innocent. you are the perfect picture of unconditional love and all that is beautiful and good.

you are more than a dependant. more than a responsibility. more than someone to protect or defend. more than a name i am constantly correcting the pronunciation of. more than the topic of conversation.

you are the life of the party. you are curious and exploratory and free.

you are someone to be loved. adored. nurtured. and encouraged. sometimes it starts to get subconscious, and i thank god for these moments when i am re-captured and it is more than just real, every day life, and becomes breathtaking and awe-inspiring all over again.

2009-07-07T11:24:00.002-05:00

some days i wake up and see your tiny body lying there dreaming peacefully, and i am smitten all over again. you are perfect.

you fixed me.

2009-06-30T03:49:00.004-05:00

there are many 'fixes' that are assumed to come with the having of a baby. endometriosis is miraculously cured. nursing keeps you healthier and you never get sick. babies are cute and they make you happy. they fix, fix, fix.

i can't say i've experienced any of these.

my small tastes of menstruation so far have not been gentle. i've caught stomach bouts and high fevers and been downright miserable, despite my over-producing of antibodies for zebediah's milk. and life can still be lonely. a baby is not a cure-all.

still, though my body may still be falling apart, this bitter and cynical girl has learned to love again. every day is beautiful. every new caffeine-deprived customer at starbucks is just another opportunity to share the joy that you've shown me is possible. so in ways i never dreamed, you have fixed me. we're growing up together.

poopoo in the potty!

2009-06-29T12:13:00.004-05:00

something has inspired you to do your #2's in the toilet. (yay cloth diapers!) it is shocking and amazing and virtually unheard of. i have to say i find great delight in mentioning it to new people and seeing their jaws drop as they ask, 'how old is he?!'

and it's not even because i don't have to change dirty diapers. i'm still stuck with your dirty bottom when i pull you off the toilet. :)

but the fearless nature you have, the ability to sit on the same toilet whose flushes made you cry a short time ago, that's what makes me most proud. you're not afraid. and you're so smart. you're embracing life's challenges and facing them with a brave and amazing spirit. you're such a strong little man.

2009-06-17T12:42:00.008-05:00

facebook.com/destructobot

2009-06-03T17:38:00.001-05:00

and i dub thee, fussbot 2.0

zebediah the conquerer.

2009-06-01T15:18:00.003-05:00

lately you have found a quiet fascination in destructive exploration. you enjoy relocating every coaster and magazine and random tidbit off the coffee table. it's quite charming as long as it's harmless.

apple.

2009-05-12T15:16:00.001-05:00

you said it. yesterday. just blurted it right out. your second word! and i missed it. *sigh*

sometimes being a working mother is the worst thing in the world. but i love how you continually give me things to look forward to. maybe next you'll repeat me telling you i love you. ♥

creative childproofing.

2009-05-10T15:15:00.000-05:00

you inspire me in amazing ways. in efforts to keep you safe and my life 'childproof,' i am challenged creatively. you move me to not be the kind of mom that takes away, but the kind that finds unique ways to give whilst keeping you from harm.

it is papering the walls for crayon chaos.
it is painting those very walls with chalkboard paint to promote your creative freedom.
it is building toys from straw paper and toothpaste boxes.
it is your mind teaching me that there is art and fun in everything.
and it is beautiful.

i know, i say everything is beautiful.
that's the effect you have on me.
and it's true. ♥

words.

2009-05-04T11:54:00.003-05:00

you've been slowly and most fascinatingly been mastering new and more difficult sounds. r's and t's and mixtures of ba's and da's and all sorts of other cute sounds. and they're turning into words. your exploratory and observant nature is turning you into a little boy faster than i like to acknowledge at times.

you develop in spite of me. i carry you everywhere, but you walk along anything your hands can grasp. i speak for you, but you copy my words. you are nothing short of amazing.

you cry real tears and you make real sounds and you take real steps. you are more independent every day. less and less a baby in general, but forever my baby boy. i love you.

mobile.

2009-04-20T10:33:00.003-05:00

in recent days, you've gone from very motivated to crawl across the couch to perfectly content to just lay there back to motivated all over again. the last week has been a stairstepping of advancement.

monday you cared a little.
tuesday you didn't care.
wednesday you were motivated. you sort of crawled.
thursday you crawled pretty well.
friday you crawled better, but still grew tired quickly.
saturday you crawled very well, and a lot. we video'd.
sunday you morphed into crazy mobile baby capable of detecting every single tiny piece of trash or important document &/or dangerous tidbit that may have found its home on the floor.

watching you learn is the most amazingly fascinating miracle in my life.

lunch share.

2009-04-12T17:08:00.001-05:00

you've been eating purees for a few months now, perfectly averse to solids or meat or vegetables or anything not involving blended apple.

yesterday you finally let me feed you some chicken. i am now convinced you came from my womb.

and today, the dreaded lunch share. you no longer eat mush. you can sit alongside me, gumming the same food i'm chewing. as proud as i am of my growing boy, it's still sad to let go of my baby.

happy easter, little man.

safe in my arms.

2009-04-11T16:39:00.002-05:00

there is no better feeling on any given day than having you, whom i love most, safe in my arms. you make life beautiful and full of joy.

and when you're hit at 40mph and still delivered home safe in my arms, it's all the more sacred.

thank god for mercy.

brilliant.

2009-04-08T16:31:00.008-05:00

watching you observe and learn from everyone around you finally inspired me to let you try your hand at something artistic. what better than finger paints?

you surprised me with your level of interest, and the outcome was far more than i ever expected.

there it is, your first masterpiece. in all its baby brilliance.

you bring me great joy.

comprehension.

2009-03-18T00:15:00.000-05:00

somehow i am still ever-amazed and surprised at the ways you grow and learn. they always tell you the things that your baby will do, and approximately when. this does not diminish the pride and fascination when the day comes.

when i point a camera at you and say smile, you do. [i'm sure candids will be more and more rare in the days to come and i will hate myself for this. :)]

when i hold your little hands and say, 'stand up!' you excitedly bounce right up onto those two strong legs.

when i hug you and give you a kiss, and say, 'give mommy kisses!' you lovingly cover my cheek with baby drool.

it is beyond me how in such a short time, you went from a curled up little ball of squeakiness to this little boy who understands the things that i say. who answers when i call his name. baby time is so short! every day, i treasure, treasure, treasure. i love you.

magical.

2009-03-08T14:52:00.004-05:00

every baby seems to have it's own quiet magic. yours is still ever-amazing. you cannot be seen and not loved. i'm naturally biased, but even people who hate kids end up with you lying on their chest as they watch the tele.

i can't tell you how many times people, dear friends and strangers alike, have approached me to say,

he's magical.

you have such an impenetrable happiness about you. virtually nothing phases it. and you smile at the strangest of people doing the strangest of things, almost as if you know their hearts and their good intentions.

i pray that you retain this quiet magnificence, this kind-heartedness, forever. all my love.

redefined.

2009-02-28T23:31:00.000-06:00

love is drool on my face.
the nerve to pick someone else's boogers.
getting smacked in the eye in light of excitement.
sleepless nights.
lots & lots of bodily fluids.
never wearing earrings.
soggy cereal because i can't put my hunger before yours.
seven loads of laundry a week.
a million miles an hour, tired or not.
happiness rain or shine or
money in the bank or not and
completely irreplaceable.

i am smitten.

sick.

2009-02-17T21:29:00.000-06:00

high running fevers, a runny nose, and a tiny little cough never pulled at my heartstrings quite so much until you suffered them.

still, it is amazing the way that you only want me. and that you need me. i am motrin-ing and blotting and cold-bathing you to death. i swear you hate me. you're so tender and frail. still, it's a beautiful thing. being at the mercy of a healing, soothing mother's touch. my touch.

these are the things that continually leave me in awe.

love day.

2009-02-14T18:26:00.000-06:00

happy first valentines day, baby boy.
i love you more than anything.

in an instant.

2009-02-09T00:35:00.000-06:00

in case you're ever wondering how much i love you...

leanna: i love zebediah more than i ever loved jesus before i reproduced
leanna: that's really what surprised me the most
leanna: now it's very difficult to remember who i am supposed to love most
leanna: i guess i had always known that you would love your kid more than anything, but not that it would put your prior ability to love to shame
leanna: even the jesus love... just deepened everything. pretty bizarre
leanna: 'cause it happens in an instant

brent: which instant?

leanna: the instant you hear them
leanna: you hear them before you see them

you had me well before hello.

sacred.

2009-02-04T18:32:00.000-06:00

sometimes i get too caught up in trying to keep you entertained with something so that i can run off and get things done. the more time that passes, the less the messes matter. there are always more dishes and toys strewn across the floor and dirty diapers smelling up my room and trash piling up in my car and things, things, things to do.

other times, like this morning, i can forget all those things and remember what's important. i can curl up with you on the couch with no television, no internet, no cooking, no toys, no multitasking, no distractions. just you and me. and with nothing holding your attention but mom, you still laugh and smile and excitedly flap your arms, like you do.

it is a beautiful thing to know that somebody on this earth is completely alright with who i am, who loves me in spite of myself.

god help me to be less caught up and more slowed down, to quit trying to create the perfect life for you and enjoy the one we have, enjoy you.

a mother's love.

2009-02-03T22:21:00.006-06:00

in the short six months since you've been born, i've spent countless hours stumbling over my words in feeble attempts to express how much love you have for your own child. a new father's blog today stated it simply. perfectly:

love is bigger than i thought it was.

much, much bigger than i ever imagined, better than i ever dreamed, and deeper and stronger and more awe-inspiring every. single. day.

food.

2009-01-24T21:31:00.001-06:00

you been eating maybe a week and already you're learning to spit stuff out! this is no good. i need more bibs.

on a more humorous note, you make this coughing sound that would worry any stranger passing into thinking that you're choking to death. but it apparently replaces your laugh in some instances. you are so weird. still, these are the quirks that make me love you so much more every day.

little boy.

2009-01-24T20:19:00.001-06:00

there is not much baby left in you.
mostly you're a little boy now.

it is both amazing and sad.

reaching.

2009-01-23T21:29:00.000-06:00

you've started putting those little baby arms out when i lean down to pick you up. seeing you reach for me makes my heart smile.

i need you as much as you need me.

growth.

2009-01-22T01:40:00.001-06:00

you're in the midst of it. physically, mentally, socially, etc.

yesterday you started opening your mouth for the spoonfuls of food. only yesterday, i had to pry it open for you because you were trying to nurse at it.

you've started enjoying being on your stomach and are already scooting all over.

your speech has progressed to lalananamana type sounds. it's a far cry from cooing anyway, and it amazes me.

you're loving and learning from all the babies and people around you. not to mention you're stinking huge and premie clothes look like doll clothes that surely never covered my little man's body.

the moments between have been far too cherished to ever feel as though you grew up too fast, but it's definitely not a slow process in these precious beginnings.

little hugs.

2009-01-13T12:26:00.000-06:00

over the past week, you have been mastering the art of hugging. a couple weeks ago, when i needed one, i wrapped your little arms around my neck and held you close. it was enough. but you took your little curious baby learning skills and gave me something more to look forward to when i come home from work. now when i lay you against my shoulder and wrap you in my arms, you put your own little arms around my neck and squeeze with those tiny hands. a simple embrace has never held so much love and soothing comfort, an escape from any plague life throws. you make everything better.

kisses.

2009-01-04T17:40:00.000-06:00

someone asked me today if you had started to give kisses. at first i said no. but after some discussion, i realized that those open mouthed agressive slobber lunges are really kisses.

who knew...

[i love them.]

travel & admiration.

2008-12-30T21:36:00.001-06:00

words can scarcely express how proud i am that you are such a peaceful traveler. if i were the mother of the screaming infant, i would love you no less for it. but in eight flights, the cries on the plane have yet to come from my seat. i deeply admire your peaceful disposition, and can only pray that i am teaching you half of what you're teaching me.

road trip.

2008-12-11T18:53:00.001-06:00

we are experiencing new stretches of road together. new trees and new skies. all new sensations.

and this is only the beginning.
what a life.

future joys.

2008-12-10T05:37:00.001-06:00

these are the moments, gazing at you while you sleep, wondering who you'll become, that i know i'll look back on in 10 years smiling.

eating experimentation.

2008-12-07T16:13:00.001-06:00

you've been curiously watching me eat for at least a month now. tracking the food from my hand to my mouth. eventually i knew you were making connections when you would hear the sound of my chewing and demand to nurse. today as i was devouring hydrox cookies, you were watching intently, and when you cried, i tried to nurse you, but to no avail. so out came the carrots. i had one. you watched it closely. i put it to your mouth, and you opened wide. you even took it in your little baby hands and held it in your mouth. i knew it was coming but i didn't want it to. so i prepared you a nice little baby puree. you very curiously took it in. and then, as if to bring joy to my heart, you got a look of sheer terror utter disgust on your face as you fought this new, strange taste in your mouth. now you wanted to nurse. and you're still my precious baby boy, needing only me and a good clean now and then.

i treasure the short time we have left, just me and you. but i am so proud of your brave and adventurous spirit. i love you.

grabbing.

2008-12-06T17:26:00.000-06:00

today you were confronted with a new kind of toy. small, soft, and rattly. you have un-soft and rattly. you have large. you have soft. you've never displayed much interest in any of the latter. but today, when lauri held a rattling bumblebee near your cute little face, you reached out and took it from her. i was so amazed and proud! your movements are not only so deliberate now, they are purposeful. i love the moments when you are nursing and you find my hand and wrap your little hand around it. i want to remember these moments forever.

soft.

2008-12-01T15:35:00.000-06:00

you're so soft.

documented.

2008-12-01T00:47:00.000-06:00

amy says you'll have the most documented childhood ever.
she's probably right.

a love like this.

2008-11-30T15:57:00.000-06:00

how do i love thee?
let me count the ways!

one one thousand...
two one thousand...
[/who framed roger rabbit]

the list really does seem endless...

a teary state.

2008-11-26T16:25:00.000-06:00

last night as i was suffering insomnia for the 3874th consecutive night, i delved into old mobile uploads albums and adored your face as a newborn. remembering how big your nose was in relation to your face, how skinny your little arms were, how frail you were as your head flopped about on your not-yet-strengthened neck joint ... it made me misty-eyed.

even in so short a time, while i can still remember, i often forget instead.

the love that a mother and a child share is too often misunderstood, mistaken, or mistreated. there is nothing abnormal about how smitten a woman is for months and months and months. about kissing their little faces as many times as is humanly possible. about staring and adoring and going on and on to anyone who will listen. this is beauty.

i am misty eyed.

i want to feel like this as much as possible.

granted, it might not be safe to drive like this...

but what a gem. in the midst of a detached, self/consumer-driven world, i find it even more soothing to find joy in the simple things of life. to have hour long conversations with your coos and my adoration. to gaze into your face as you sleep. to ponder the things that you might be dreaming about as those little sleep grins curl on your lips.

and i don't have to wonder for a second what i did to deserve this. i did nothing. may i never forget. and may every day be so joyous as long as i'm alive.

365 and counting.

2008-11-20T21:05:00.001-06:00

it's hard to believe you've been alive for a year now.
it's hard to imagine where i'd be without you.

you showed me love.
and i grew up a little.

i can't wait to see what the next year holds.
thank you for everything you've taught me so far.

motor mouth.

2008-11-19T20:23:00.000-06:00

you've been very talkative today.
it thrills me.

all your little squeals and giggles and coos. *sigh*

you are ridiculously adorable.

mr. annoying pants.

2008-11-19T18:54:00.001-06:00

you have been dubbed mr. annoying pants. as much as i hate it when people call you anything besides zebediah, there are days when i can't help but ascribe you such nicknames as mr. annoying pants or squeaker or screech. you have the most high-pitched squeal i've ever heard a baby make. i mean, i love you to pieces and all...

but i can't wait until you hit puberty. :)

first words.

2008-11-16T14:36:00.000-06:00

so i've been compiling a list of all the words zebediah has inadvertently said, thus far. it includes:

hi
uh
gay
no
goo
mum

with many more to come. :)

laughter.

2008-11-11T00:50:00.000-06:00

beloved,

someday i might hate myself for this story, but today i adore it. i was greeted as i arrived home from work by a dire need for a diaper change. diaper filling is your most notable strength these days. now don't get me wrong, i love that you are a boy, but you are dangerous. i can't lay you on that pad without the danger of you peeing on my face or some such thing. naturally, the moment i looked away to grab a diaper, you let loose. my work pants and shoes were a puddle of baby pee. i was slightly put off. [not near as much as i'd be if some other kid peed all over me.] i gave you my best stern look, and i said, "don't pee on mommy." you cooed in response. just to be clear, i repeated this plea. then it happened. you opened your mouth, and you laughed. i have since tried to repeat this occurrence and you refuse. i honestly don't know where you got this stubbornness... but i was overjoyed. i was overjoyed with you. overjoyed with the world. i asked my roommates about 3 times if they heard you laugh, too. then i announced as many or more times that you had just laughed for the first time. despite the fact that they already knew. because they were there.

this whole mom thing only gets better as they days pass. i pray you enjoy them as much as i.

with all the love that i possess,
mommy

more adventurous.

2008-11-08T19:55:00.000-06:00

today you discovered that you enjoy being thrown up in the air. you are so adventurous. it's like when you were first born and you hated being swaddled because you were busy experiencing the new world around you.

we've got a fun/chaotic road ahead.

smitten.

2008-11-04T13:34:00.000-06:00

you have stolen my heart.

take it all in.

2008-11-03T16:42:00.000-06:00

one of the first things everyone notices is how alert and aware you are. since the day you were born, you've always studied your surroundings, been fascinated by the world.

today was your first trip to an art museum. i didn't know how it would work, really, but once you woke up and ate, i carried you in my arms and you were mesmerized by the displays. i would stand with you near a photograph and you would just gaze into the photographs as long as i held you there, taking it all in. you have such attention to detail. i can't help but wonder if, when you're old enough, we'll have art in common. for me, it would be a dream come true. but naturally, i will love whoever you become.

faces.

2008-11-02T18:19:00.000-06:00

you started making this face today. it makes me laugh every time. i never knew a funny face could bring me such joy.

i love you.

sass.

2008-10-29T22:59:00.000-05:00

you gave me an angry face today. it's not just a cry anymore, it's a scrunched face and a jerk of the head. and i can honestly say that even in context, i was completely proud. still, your tears make me sad. but i love to watch you learn and grow.

shrink.

2008-10-26T05:27:00.003-05:00

you'll be growing up too fast for the rest of my life.

first kiss.

2008-10-25T14:12:00.000-05:00

gabriella gave you first kiss today.
you enjoyed it way too much.

i wish i had captured the moment for you.
next time.

my voice in your ear.

2008-10-24T00:54:00.000-05:00

i sang you to sleep for the first time tonight. the fact you find my voice so soothing is both surprising and awe-inspiring.

found true love after nine months.

2008-10-23T18:50:00.000-05:00

female roomie #1 came home today telling me about a book called "not quite what i was planning." a magazine requested submissions of people's life stories put into six words. someone submitted found true love after nine months.

i instantly thought of you.
i wish i'd written that for us.

so close to laughter.

2008-10-21T03:46:00.000-05:00

you've been learning to laugh. i can't begin to express what joy it brings. your first giggle might overwhelm me.

rain.

2008-10-06T14:37:00.000-05:00

you had your first experience with rain today. there was a light sprinkle outside. i wrapped you in the warmth and safety of me. but lo and behold, as i quickly transitioned you from my arms to the carseat, a few sprinkles made their way onto your tender face. you shrieked. i cringed. the smallest of things can be so heartbreaking.

in other news, you also made sounds other than coos today. i freaked out a little. i love watching you learn.

magnetic poetry.

2008-09-12T18:14:00.000-05:00

i have a tremendous & infinite love
for my innocent little guy
the feeling overwhelms me
in these sacred moments

a gentle kiss
a tender touch
my voice in his ear

he is my universe
he is art

that curly hair
and soft blue eyes

oh the joy of motherhood
my heart beams
soars between sun & moon
i never dreamed
i'd live to see it come
a whispered promise of god

to hold beauty as a child
lifts me up
you shared heaven with me
we belong together

i vow to protect you
sweet baby boy
as we dance
through our ring of fire

[first poem i wrote for you post-birth]

name.

2008-07-29T16:38:00.000-05:00

it took me a week to name you. i was scared to death of it. giving you something so permanent. what if you hated it? that, and i didn't think 'zebediah jackson' really flowed all that well, so you got a middle name. :]

i love you, sweet zebediah dean.

welcome.

2008-07-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

welcome to the world, sweet baby boy.